


To speak of pain and be in touch with suffering

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Background Mollymauk Tealeaf, Bad Parenting, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Frumpkin (Critical Role) is an Emotional Support Animal, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heart-to-Heart, Heavy Angst, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Nightmares, Self-Hatred, Tags Are Hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 05:53:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17657156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: It was only after Caleb woke up screaming, “get them out of me!” at the top of his lungs for the fifth night in a row and successfully waking up most of the camp with Jester frantically crawling towards his tent with tears in her eyes and panic in her voice that Caduceus decided enough was enough.





	To speak of pain and be in touch with suffering

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this was alright. I wasn't planning on writing anything like this but that whole thing with Caleb in ep49 about the crystals in his arms just needed to be written and once that first sentence was in my mind the rest of the fic followed suit. And come on, tell me that it's not about time they had one of these chats??
> 
> I sort of made it vague and talked about genuine things I feel like might haunt them that isn't yet related to canon yet because soon the cast could just come out with some backstory shit that will just debunk everything I wrote, so I just thought I'd do it like this. 
> 
> Anyway, please tell me if you liked it or if you spot anything in the fic that I didn't add in the tags, I would be greatly appreciated xx Hope you enjoyed this cluster fuck.
> 
> Warning for FUCKED UP BACKSTORIES

It was only after Caleb woke up screaming, “ _get them out of me_!” at the top of his lungs for the fifth night in a row and successfully waking up most of the camp with Jester frantically crawling towards his tent with tears in her eyes and panic in her voice that Caduceus decided enough was enough.

So they gathered around the campfire that Beau had lit half-asleep and Caleb clawed and scratched at his arms like there were bugs crawling under his skin and Nott was watching him with wide, worried eyes. Jester was bitting her bottom lip and had that look on her face that meant she wanted to comfort and throw herself onto the nearest hurting person. Beau was leaning her head against Fjord’s shoulder who looked like he was about to fall asleep sitting up and Yasha had her sword across her lap as she stared into the flickering flames. Caduceus, with a heavy heart, surveyed his new found family and sighed as he handed out cups of warm tea.

Nobody spoke for a long while as they sat together in a circle around the flames that crackled loudly in the stillness of the night. Beside Jester, Nugget made a sound deep in his chest that Caduceus interpreted as something akin to unease. If even the animals were worried, it was defiantly time for action. He broke the stiff quiet by taking a long, loud slurping sip of his tea and successfully gained the attention of the Mighty Nein. “I uh… I think it’s about time we all had a little talk.”

Beau snorted roughly through her nose and closes her eyes but Caduceus ignored her entirely. Nott and Jester were looking at him with wide, eager eyes and the firbolg turned his glance to Caleb, staring blindly into the flames before him. “I think a decent talk between the group could do us all a lot of good. Because, and forgive me if this is… blunt, but we are all just a little bit messed up. So why don’t we take this time to get things off our chest and open up a bit to us all.”

Running a hand down his face, Fjord sighed and Caduceus couldn’t tell if it was in exasperation or just his attempt to ward off the lasting effects of sleep. “With all due respects, Deuces, but talking isn’t a thing we really do.”

“Yeah,” Beau agreed in the gruff way she was prone to. “The whole talking thing has never really worked for us.”

“Well, there’s always a first for everything,” Caduceus said kindly, sensing the tension between the group and trying to solve too many problems at once. “We’ve known each other for a while now and I think we’d all understand if you’d like to air some of your grievances. I think now is a good time to start- better now than never, as you say.” He looked pointedly at Jester, the most open and most honest and most forthright of them all and she nodded her understanding.

Jesters fingers stilled in Nugget’s fur as she took a deep breath. “I miss my mama.” Her lower lip wobbled as if the words hurt to say and a new bout of tears rose to her eyes and she angrily wiped them away with the back of her hand. “We’ve been gone so long and I haven’t been able to talk to her at all and sometimes I just need to tell her about all the shit that’s been happening, you know?” She really did sob then, a deep wet sob that made her chest heave. “You guys are hurting so much and I feel so bad because I’m supposed to be the cleric to make you all feel better and I can’t even do that!” She threw her arms up into the air and dropped them heavily to her lap. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what to talk about with you because you’re going through so much more than I am and I don’t want you to have to listen to my problems because you’re hurting so much more than me!”

There was quiet around the fire apart from Jester's sobs, muffled by Nugget’s fur. Yasha, in a burst of compassion and a twist of her face, patted Jester on the shoulder. Caduceus looked around at the other members of the group who had their head down, avoiding any eye contact. He had been hoping that after Jester's confession, that the others would slowly join in and share their own grievances, but that soon became apparent when there was still silence after Jester’s sobs eased. Fjord was looking her way with his usually calm gaze drowned in worry. Caleb’s bleary and wet eyes were still fixed unseeingly on the blazing fire in the centre, fingers clawing at his bandaged arm so harshly that the crisp white dressing was starting to fray.

With a sigh, Caduceus knew what he had to do and resigned himself to the next few moments. “I, myself, often wonder whether my path is the wrong one. Whether the quest to save my homeland is… a fool’s errand.” He tried to ignore the many sets of eyes that suddenly snapped to him. “I uh, have also begun to suspect that my attempts to find my family are in vain because I am no longer so sure that they are alive.” Beau gasped, and once again, Caduceus ignored it. “I would have heard from them by now if they were, but I have heard nothing since my last sibling left home and it has been many seasons since then. I fear that I am the last of the Clay’s and that I may never see my family again. It pains me the most that I will never be able to bury them and deliver them to their final resting place.”

“Oh Caduceus, that’s probably not true,” Nott interjected, her voice shaking. It seemed like an onslaught of emotions threatened to overwhelm her. “We’ll find them. They’re still alive somewhere, I’m sure they are.”

“I am… not exactly a man who uses the word ‘fear’ lightly, as I believe that fear is a momentary thing that can be overtime given patience, perseverance and determination.” Caduceus said, looking around the group. He was glad that now he had gotten their attention, except for Caleb but Clay was sure he was listening. “But my greatest fear is that I will find them and I will be too late and I will forever be the final of my family to continue our legacy. It is… a troubling thought.”

“Caduceus…” Jester breathed but Caduceus continued regardless at her comfort or at Fjord’s glances and Beau’s pursed lip. He was doing this for them- to prove to them that opening up to the people they had now begun to call a family would be a beneficial thing for all of them. “I never knew you felt like that.”

Caduceus shrugged like it was no big deal because it really wasn’t. “Death is natural and inevitable. I don’t know why I expected their fate to be any different than the norm.” He glanced around his friends who were suddenly trying desperately to avoid his gaze. “Well? I told you we are here to talk and I am not letting any of us leave here unless we have, so now that Jester and I have shared our hidden feelings, I believe that means it’s your turn.”

Almost surprisingly (almost), it was Fjord who spoke up, fiddling with the red string tied around his waist. “Uh, I’d be lyin’ if I told y’all that I had nothing to share.” He muttered. “The um, the dreams come back, sometimes, and they're getting harder and harder to resist.” He rubbed at his eyes and Beau bit her lip in worry. “I went to sleep by the fire the other night and somehow woke up by the beach, the water lapping at my legs. The first thing I did once I opened my eyes was to throw up a lungful of salt water.” Jester gasped in anger from the other end of the fire and Fjord held his hands up in defence. “I was going to tell you, but I was so proud of myself once I thought we were done with this ocean magic shit that I was too ashamed. And I was worried about how you would react- it scares the shit out of me, I can’t even begin to think about what you guys would think.”

“You know we would have helped you!” Jester exclaimed, outraged. “You should have told us!”

Fjord held up his hand and Jester fell silent. “I know, Jes, and I’m really sorry. I promise I’ll let you know the next time it happens.” Apparently pacified, Jester went back to Nugget and Fjord elbowed Beau in the ribs in an obvious non-verbal attempt at making her speak up next, but to everyone’s shock, it was Nott who followed his example.

“Yeza… he has and always will be the love of my life.” She began, “Luke is a very smart, very kind boy. I miss them more and more with every passing day.” She paused and took a deep breath, closing her eyes. “But, sometimes, I wake up unable to breathe because I feel the water in my lungs and I can’t move my arms and I try and scream but nobody can hear me.” Her voice began to shake and she twisted her hands together in her lap. “It’s never real, anyway, but it still hurts me every time I walk near a lake or we talk about going back to the Ball Eater or we go to any sort of bathhouse. And really… I don’t know if Luke and Yeza would ever want me back, looking like this.” She waved a trembling hand over herself. “Not really. They both thought I was dead and in a way, _Veth_ is and I’ve just taken what was left of her. I’m so worried that one day I’m going to forget what it was like to be Veth entirely and that being a goblin, a hideous disgusting goblin, is all I’ll remember.”

“Nah, not, you know that isn’t true,” Beau said, uncrossing her arms and lifting up from Fjord’s shoulder. “You’re too nice a person to deserve not remembering your old life. And we’ve been avoiding bathhouses and the ocean for you too- we don’t want to hurt you more than we already have.”

“And I’m sure that once you are back to normal, Yeza and Luke will love you just as much if not _more_ than they did before you died.” Jester grinned. “I’ll make the Traveller promise that you get the happy ending that you deserve.”

Nott cleared her throat and wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes with the back of her sleeve. “Thank you, guys.” She whispered.

There was a cold, uncomfortable hush where everyone tried to determine who would be the next to speak up and bear the roughest parts of their soul, and just as Caduceus was about to comment about the lack of communication, Yasha, of all people, rose her voice to be heard over the flickering flames, her head down and staring at her reflection that glinted off the blade of her sword. “I never imagined that I would have any friends.” She began. “I once had a wife but she was taken from me before I really knew what love was like.” Beau choked on her tea and Fjord had to pat her on the back to clear her airways. “And then when I left, I wandered around for a while until I came across the circus and I met Mollymauk, and for the first time in… a long while, I knew what love was like again. He was my first friend and I cared for him like a brother. When he was taken from me too, it felt like a part of my soul died with him, just like it died with Zuella.” She took a shuddering breath and spoke with her words thick. “The reason I try and distance myself from you is that I fear that you may suffer the same fate as my other loved ones, and I don’t want anything to happen to you. I think this must be the Storm Lord's way to tell me that I am not deserving of love.”

“Yasha…I…” Beau breathed, at a loss for words and she looked around the group for help, but no one gave her any. “I didn’t…”

Caduceus reached over and placed a hand on Yasha’s shoulder, and she reached up and patted his hand before dropping her arm. “As we told you before, dear, you are not the cause of the deaths of any of your loved ones. And you are not weak.” He shook her shoulder. “You are the strongest of us all. Anyone who can deal with that much loss is braver than they think. Believe me, I know.”

“It’s hard to feel strong then the only people you stayed strong for are both dead,” Yasha said solemn, her head down and staring at the book filled with pressed flowers that had suddenly appeared in her hands.

Seemingly empowered by Yasha’s words and her decision to share, Beau spoke up, her gaze on the far off mountains in the distance and her arms crossed over her chest like a shield. “Well, I’ve apparently got a little brother. My parents got what they wanted and if anything were to happen to them, he’d have died without me ever getting to meet him.” She shrugged. “No big deal. I’ve had more fun at the Cobalt Soul than I ever would have gotten back at home in the stuffy library, so it’s probably a good thing that I left, you know?”

Fjord frowned and shifted in his seat. “Do you know his name? Did they write it in the letter they sent to you?”

“Nah, they never told me, but they probably named him Beauregard as well.” She said it as if the words didn’t bother her, but the twist of her face clearly proved that they stung. “They always wanted a son named Beauregard but when they had me, they just cut their losses and named me what they wanted, but now that they actually have the boy of their dreams, he can finally get the name he was always destined to have.”

She said it without any emotion, intending to distance herself from the pain that the very thought brought on. Growling, Jester slammed her hand into the ground and a small puff of dirt floated up from the impact. Everyone’s attention was drawn to her. “Come on Beau! Stop pretending like you’re a badass bitch who doesn’t care about anyone but yourself, because we already know you’re a fucking badass but you’re allowed to be upset and hurt and you’re allowed to cry when you need to!”

Beau sat in silence for a moment as she mulled the words over and eventually she pursed her lips and drew in a heavy, stuttering breath through her nose. “I don’t like quiet.” She confessed softly. “When I was back at home, whenever I did something wrong my dad would yell at me and throw things and just get really mad. And I enjoyed it because someone was finally paying attention to me, you know? But, over time, he used a new tactic that I absolutely _hated_.” She hissed the last words and everyone pretended not to see the tears brewing in her eyes. “He would just… ignore me. And he’d get all the people in the house to do it too. The workers, the visitors, the accountants, the cleaners. I would go weeks without being talked to by anyone if he really wanted. So sometimes when it gets too quiet, it reminds me of that time, and that’s not really a time I want to go back to.”

“Oh, Beau,” Yasha said softly, those two words full of compassion and sympathy and passion. Beau avoided her gaze more than anyone else’s.

As Caduceus anticipated, Caleb was the last person left, but the smaller man was still huddled within himself, the flickering flames of the campfire reflecting in his glossy eyes. Nott leaned over and placed her hand on Caleb’s arm and he wasn’t even in his right mind to flinch away. “Caleb, we’ve all gotten something off our chest. If there’s anything you’d like to say… about Trent or anything…” she trailed off when she realized that Caleb wasn’t listening and she sat back with a sigh.

“Mr Caleb, you should know that this space is as safe as you can get,” Caduceus reassured without being pushy. “If being judged or ridiculed is what you are most fearful of, I should assure you that none of that will happen. We all understand that everyone has their demons to face, no matter what time in their lives they strike.”

At the following reticence, Beau leaned closer and placed her open palm on the ground in front of Caleb’s crossed legs, in direct sight of his gaze. “Caleb.” She said thickly, her voice stern and sharp yet also something resembling kindness. “It’s ok.”

But still, Caleb remained mute.

They sat there together for a few more moments with nothing but the crackling flames and the quiet whispers between them. Nugget had fallen asleep curled up before the fire so Jester had laid down with her head in Nott’s lap and the goblin was absentmindedly running her fingers through the tiefling’s blue locks, mindful of her horns. Yasha and Beau were having a quiet conversation from opposites sides of the small huddle and shared quick, passionate glances when she thought the other wasn’t looking. Fjord had summoned his sword, seawater dripping down his hand, and was staring at the blade and the glowing yellow eye in the pommel. Caduceus sat observing them all, enjoying his warm cup of tea.

It was beginning to get much later than any of them would have preferred and it was getting to the point that Caduceus was about to sigh and give up and suggest everyone return back to their beds while he took the night watch but surprisingly, unexpectantly, Caleb spoke in a gritty and rough voice that was barely loud enough to hear over the flames that Caleb was still staring into.

“I can still feel them,” Caleb began, voice shaking, “Under my skin, moving just beneath the surface. When I close my eyes, I can sometimes feel the leather straps digging into my arms from where Trent had tied me up so I couldn’t get away and I can remember the feeling of the scalpel into my arms. I think that there still might be shards in there, the tiny pieces that I wasn’t able to pull out. Sometimes they sting and sometimes they rub together in such a way that I can feel the burning all the way through my veins, but I wake up trying to dig them out.”

“I might be able to help with that,” Jester said gently, reaching a hand out slowly in an effort to offer her assistance but also give Caleb a chance to pull away if he wanted to, which he did with closed eyes and sharp recoil. Jester pulled her arm back to her lap, worry written in the lines of her face. “You can keep talking if you have more to say. We’re happy to listen- or not if you prefer us not to.”

Shaking his head, Caleb gasped as though the words pained him to say, and with starts and stops, he continued. “There were three of us, three of us which were chosen to take part in the… the advanced class. We did terrible, terrible things in the name of the Empire, and there are days where I wake up and for a moment, just a moment I am back there and I am back under the iron thumb of Ikithon and my thoughts and actions are not my own and I don’t care about those close to me, only their opinions of the Empire.” He snapped his fingers and Frumpkin was suddenly in his lap and immediately the cat started purring and rubbing his face into Caleb’s shaking hands as Caleb buried his fingers in the cat’s fur. “And I hate myself every time for it because I am no longer that person and every time I strive to change and with every day I better myself, that moment of forgetfulness puts me right back at the beginning, where I started.”

“Caleb- Jesus fuck man,” Fjord put his hand out. “You don’t have to tell us everything. We don’t want to expose you like this, especially if you don’t want us to know yet, but don’t tell us everything that’s bothering you just because you think we’re making you.” His words sounded weak to his own ears, the sentence not sounding as sincere and proper as he wanted it to, but he meant what he said and he hoped Caleb did too.

The wizard didn’t answer, just ignored Fjord completely, but Nott mothed, _he’s almost done_ in Fjord’s direction and the half-orc sat back to listen to the rest of what his friend had to say.

“My name, my birth name is Bren, but even hearing it makes me think about being back there in the Academy where they stuck crystals in my arms and putrid magic in my veins and put a knife in my hand to slaughter those who did not deserve it.” Caleb took a deep breath. “I told you my name Is Caleb because that is a new person, a new person that I can hopefully turn into a better person than Bren ever was. Caleb… Caleb Widogast has better things associated with it. He has all of you, and the adventures we’ve shared, and only Caleb knows how amazing Molly was, but I still feel like I am lying to you all because Caleb is a made-up name that I had chosen to fool you into thinking I was a better person than I am and I do not think you deserve it.” Exhausted, Caleb slumped back and buried his face in Frumpkin’s fur.

The Mighty Nein wordlessly watched Caleb tremble with his face buried in his familiar’s fur. It was Caduceus first who spoke. “Well, regardless of what you have done in your past and what decisions you may or may not have made, I think we will continue to call you Caleb. It is the name we know you as and uh… calling you Bren is minimizing all the effort you put into becoming a better person. I think it would be… unfair to you and the trials you have gone through to be better.” He smiled brightly and Caleb’s eyes shone over the top of the orange fur of the Bengal cat. “And besides- I’m friends with Caleb, not with Bren. Bren means ‘to burn’ and Caleb means ‘whole-hearted’, and I for one believe that fits the new person you want to be much better.”

Fjord nodded. “I agree with Duces. We’ve known you as Caleb this whole time, and we’re not going to use your dead name now that we know it.” He declared and the others hummed their consensus.

Smirking, Jester reached over with her head still on Nott’s lap and made her fingers crawl across the ground like a spider towards Caleb. “Besides,” She grinned with a gleam in her eye. “Molly knew you as Caleb, not as Bren.” Caleb gave a small smile at the comment.

Yasha turned to Nott with a furrowed brow and concentration on her face. “And you? Your name is Veth, but we know you as Nott. What would you prefer?”

“I… I don’t know,” Nott whispered and Jester sat up from her lap to look at her sadly. “I really don’t. My name is Nott now because… well, because I’m not a goblin, but I am a goblin now, so I don’t really think that makes me Veth either.”

“Well,” Caduceus said evenly. “We’ll keep calling you Nott until you decide and when you do figure it out, we’ll either be calling you Nott like we always have or we’ll happily be calling you Veth. But either way, remember that we’ll be here when you chose and that we’ll love you regardless.”

In the silence that followed, Jester sniffled sadly and wiped her tears with the hem of her dress. “I miss Molly.” She sobbed. Yasha laughed softly and reached over to run her fingers over Jester's tail. “He’d always know what to do and what to say.”

“Maybe it’s best that he isn’t here.” Fjord suggested. “He would have just told us all to stop our complaining and move on from our pasts, but it’s clear that none of us can really do it.”

“He would have told us to suck it up and stop being big babies.” Yasha laughed but her voice sounded thick with unshed tears. “And then he would have taken us all to have a drink. He would have brought us ales until we passed out. And then he would have tucked us into bed and kissed us on the head while he told us he loved us and stayed with us through to the morning.”

“Well, either way, it seems that your friend would have approved of our conversation,” Caduceus smiled. “And in each way, he would have wanted you to get some sleep, so I suggest you guys retire for the night and I’ll stay up for watch. Keep each other company tonight and don’t worry, I’ll be up waiting with a fresh cup of tea and a chat.”

As the others silently trudged off to their respective tents to crawl into the comfort of their bedrolls and muse over the conversations of the night, Caduceus watched them from his place on watch and could have sworn that he heard Beau sigh as she followed the blue tail of Jester into their shared tent and heard her mutter under her breath, “Who the fuck would have thought that Molly would be useful at a time like this?”

Grinning into his tea, Caduceus took a large sip and watched the fire die down to nothing but faintly glowing embers.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, I know everything is shit BUT TAGS, SUMMARIES AND TITLES ARE HARD.


End file.
